I haven't wrote here in a long time - I guess I didn't need to? - didn't have the patience for it... 

I'm having a hard time again.

I had fallen into a long distance relationship that I ended last October.  One that stretched far longer than it should have - and I knew it almost the whole time but didn't want to admit it to myself - I think because I didn't want to admit I hadn't learned a lesson/I should have known better.  I just wanted to be wrong about it.

I've always been pretty good, or so I thought about reading people... but the last few years have been so eye opening and disappointing.  I think I described it to someone as such:

Imagine a ripple in the water - but those ripples are raised walls - protection that stretch so many layers deep.  All the layers outside of the center have been breached - it's now a single guard outside the last room that contains the last bit of innocence I have left before I'm destroyed.

Most people wouldn't know or even guess if they even give a 2nd thought about it.  In my life experience I've become so good at putting on a mask/turning it on to get through the day.  All of my coping mechanisms are failing me.

Current events play a huge role, but I've been trying to prepare myself since Freshy turned 18 of how I was going to deal with losing her... the last living connection I have with Ian.  She's 20 now and her health has declined - she's a tough lady - but with the health issues it's just far more apparent now that she will not be around much longer and I know that's going to