I've caught myself on several occasions asking myself, or is it telling myself?...basically allowing myself to blindly wonder if the closeness I seek is even obtainable. The thought that what you have been searching for, for what feels like your whole life, just doesn't exist....then today, I added: or what if it does, and you just never find it.
Either of those imagined realities can be a hard pill to force yourself to swallow - I always end up choking....What a bleak outlook...then after some time I just shuffle the thought to some deep recess in my brain and continue on my journey believing it does exist and reveling in the fact that I may have found it.
This is not how I want to be, this is now how I want to feel.... I've spent the morning in and out of crying sessions... the kind that feels like your insides have been crushed, twisted and squeezed.
Raw vulnerability..deep fears of abandonment..I catch myself and play an internal tug-o-war between shutting it all down and keeping myself wide open.
Maybe cutting my therapy back to once a month was a bad idea. :/
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