Selfish/Selfless

A gunshot to the head changed everything, and nothing will ever be the same.


I feel guilty without feeling guilty..if that makes any sense.  I've never known pain like this..and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I read anger will play a role in my process of emotions...but I don't know what I'm supposed to be angry about.. I think feeling angry would just make me feel more guilty..how can you be angry at someone that felt so hopeless that they chose to end their own life?  I have to learn to accept that I'll never have an answer to why..I have to learn to accept that I'll never have closure..I have to accept that I may never get a sign that he is ok now.  I don't even want to get into the where did we come from/where are we going process of thoughts cause that never ends well for me.


I have been up night after night questioning the past 7-8 yrs of my life, wondering about my purpose...trying to convince myself that no one can or will love me, in order to feel as though I don't need it.  Need/Want...quite a blurred line for me.  I value my independence..but at the debt of being this lonely hardly seems fair.  Harder felt after such a bright glimmer of hope that someone could care about me and now I feel as though I lost that in the midst of everything else.


My heart aches, this is worse than any heartbreak I've known, and trust me when I say I'm quite familiar with heartbreak...I don't think anyone has any idea....well, maybe except for his sister, when I heard her cry on the phone last time I talked to her, I knew she knew how I felt..an unfortunate feeling to have to share.  Everyone else accepts "ok" as an answer to how you are doing.  I'm managing...overall I guess you can say I'm "ok" - but there are moments or sometimes whole days where I'd rather you slammed a brick in my face than to feel what hits suddenly and without warning.


I want my life back.  I can't say I've ever known happiness the way I did from July to November...then boom...worse than from where I started..all that hard work to change my thought process.. to feel better about myself.. to find value in myself - fucking gone. I know the process..tell yourself you are worth something..blah blah blah.. but it just feels so fucking fake.  Instead you look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worthless and no on will ever love you...that feels much more accurate.. in my 31 years...where's the proof that it's anything other than that? ...I'm selfish because I want love...selfless because I give all mine away and keep none for myself...what good is it anyway??..it didn't save or stop Ian from doing what he did.


I envy people who have life-long close friends.. while I struggle to have semi-acquainted friends.  No one to really talk to besides this fucking notepad on my computer and a therapist.  She is awesome though I must say.  But she is paid by the hour, and I can't afford for her to come over and stay up all night with me just talking...just talking...oh how I long to just have a conversation right now.  To feel normal..and comfortable...and happy.... to sleep.


I'm just having a really bad night.  I hurt. I'm lonely. I could use a hug.