Ian and I never had a 'song' - we didn't actually have anything like that really...he didn't even like most of the music I listened to...but when I was in the hospital I asked him to bring me some music...he made me a CD and that was one of the songs on it...I remember when I played it, I was surprised he put it on there, and then I wondered if that was his way of telling me he loved me...you see we didn't say such things to each other until the near end of our relationship. I held back because of the risk of feeling too vulnerable...he held back for reasons, I'll now, never know. I ended up being the first to tell him, and that was when his mother passed away...I thought at that time it was important for him to know, for him to hear it...up until then I had convinced myself that it was an unspoken understanding expressed through collapsible long lasting hugs....but even those started to grow futher and far between......I told him, he didn't tell me....he didn't tell me until permanent damage had occurred that left me un-trusting of his words....words I waited 4 long years to hear...words that at that time, sounded desperate and empty.
And now he's dead. I don't care that we weren't together anymore - he didn't deserve to feel that way, to do what he did....no one does..
So I hear that song, it had played at a time where I could have felt it was genuine, and now having to wonder if I'll ever know such a feeling to be genuinely felt for me, if such a thing could exist or if it somehow died with him. Better yet, do I, or can I believe that I'd be so deserving?